The
US Senate has unanimously declared war on SPAM, which
though not as axially evil as el Queida et al., still poses a pretty nasty
challenge to us all on a day to day basis. So what has SPAM meant to you and
your use of e-Mail?
I'm interested for purely selfish reasons -- what other kind of reasons are
there?
The Press suggests that personal e-Mail traffic has fallen off as people weary
of dealing with SPAM. In any case, because my incoming real e-Mail has dropped
off precipitously in direct relation to the shocking rise in the volume of
SPAM, do me a favor. Complete this little survey for my own peace of mind,
morbid curiosity, reassurance and ego stability.
To reply, just copy the questionnaire onto an e-Mail reply, fill in your opinions/answers
with an ( X ), and send it back to me. There is no commercial, governmental,
religious, or any other purpose in this.
SPAM-quiry.
1. I hate commercial
SPAM (enlarging/reducing body parts; miracle diets; credit card offers; EZ
mortgage applications, get-rich-quick schemes etc.) so much that I now check
my e-MAIL:
( ) Every day or so.
( ) Once a week.
( ) Monthly.
( ) Never.
2. Not only do I hate SPAM,
but here's how I feel about the unverified alerts of computer devouring viruses,
chain letters and warnings of impending disaster my so-called friends send
me:
( ) I read them all because, well, you never know...
( ) I worry about them, but only read the ones that threaten me personally.
( ) I just wish people would check with Snopes.Com and the other Internet
services that help separate the true from the phony warnings.
( ) I used to ignore them until one day I didn't send on a chain letter and
broke out in boils all over my body and can't sit at the computer for more
than 10 seconds.
( ) Between the chain letters and the SPAM, Virus and Armageddon warnings
I'm so fed up I've turned my computer off and now use it to press my trousers.
3. You haven't heard from me
in a long time, NOT because of SPAM or apocalyptic warnings of computer viruses,
looming comet impacts, etc., but because:
( ) I never respond to any e-Mail, I just read it.
( ) My spell checker is broken.
( ) I'm afraid if I respond, you'll send me another one of those damn long-winded
diatribes about what fun you're having while the rest of us are trying to
do something worthwhile for humanity, earn livings, recover from health woes,
hide out from John Ashcroft. (PLEASE NOTE: While we continue the pursuit of
fun, this aspect of our organisation is on hiatus and has not sent any e-Mail
in several months.)
While we're on the subject...
4. Occasionally, the X organization
sends a photograph that it (the org.) thinks might amuse you. If you've received
something like that from us, could you access the picture?
( ) I've never gotten any e-Mail from X@AOL.COM. Are you a SPAMmer?
( ) I have never been able to open a single picture you sent me, but chose
to suffer in silence.
( ) Yes sirree, the pictures downloaded perfectly.
( ) Hey, the pictures come through fine -- it's the subject matter that doesn’t
work for me.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTFUL PARTICIPATION.
The Responses!
95 Questionnaires sent out. As of 16 Nov
03, roughly 35 responses -- some rougher than others.
** Of the 35 Respondents, 21 were not around during World War II and have
no knowledge of SPAM beyond wondering what the Monty Python sketch was all
about.
** Of the 14 who went through the War: 8 said they never wanted to see, hear
or taste SPAM again. 4 said they'd only accept SPAM when it is fried in lard
and smothered in Aunt Jemima Original Formula Maple Flavored Syrup. And 2
said that they really like SPAM and make it a regular item in their diet to
the exclusion of EggBeaters(R), Deep Fat Fried Tofu and BocaBurgers(R). Only
kidding.
Now, for the actual results:
Question 1. (...I now check my e-MAIL:)
** 22 Respondents say they check e-Mail daily. One Respondent added that he
does this in order to keep his Delete Key loose. Another "checks daily
but never reads anything longer than three paragraphs," hence he would
make no reply to the Survey (nor will he see his comment quoted for posterity,
since it's in the 4th paragraph of this message).
** 2 Respondents admitted to obsessively checking many times a day.
Question 2.
(...how I feel about warnings my so-called friends
send me)
** 1 Respondent claimed to read everything
** 2 Respondents only read items that threaten them personally
** 10 Respondents devoutly wish people would check with Snopes.Com before
broadcasting nonsense.
** 2 Respondents say they are fed up. Additionally:
** 4 Respondents added a "None of the above" category, with comments
such as "Never read ANYTHING," "I forward them all to Ashcroft,"
and "I ignore them; life with a Mac is good."
Question 3.
(You haven't heard from me in a long time because...)
The construction of this question presented nothing but opportunities for
confusion, to such a degree that one respondent, a certain professor of Sociology,
offered to give me a short course on questionnaire writing.
** 2 Respondents said they never respond to e-Mail, they just read it.
** 2 Respondents don't respond because, they say, "My speil checker is
brken." All four of them are clearly liars, since they responded to the
Survey.
** 6 Respondents checked the 3rd item, "I'm afraid if I respond, you'll
send me another of those damn long-winded diatribes about what fun you're
having" leading me to realize the faulty construction of the question.
Of course they couldn't mean that... could they?
** Attempting to circumvent the trouble at which the Sociologist aimed his
accusing finger, 3 intelligent, smart, inventive and wise Respondents said
"None of the above, keep the stuff coming." Another Respondent,
similarly ingenious, insightful and quick-witted and a gifted wordsmith to
boot, said "Time to get off your arse and write something."
** 1 Respondent, a frequent correspondent, indignantly pointed out "You
HAVE heard from me recently."
** 1 Respondent said, "I'm afraid to respond with the alternative immediately
above because ... you'll hate me and our relationship will never be the same
again." He went on to add that, "I forward all of your E-mail to
that nice Mr. Ashcroft who has asked me to keep tabs on your e-mails."
** To my relief a number of respondents took the reassuring extra step of
saying, in essence, "keep 'em coming."
Question 4.
(...could you access the picture?)
** 2 Respondents said they have never gotten pictures from me. One added,
"But I always complain."
** 13 Respondents got the pictures "just fine."
** 2 Respondents never got a picture, and our machinery is now in motion to
rectify that for them.
Gratuitous responses and comments of interest:
** 5 Respondents declared that they didn't know how to copy my message into
a reply.
** 1 Respondent managed to turn the questionnaire, complete with responses,
into a JPEG formatted attachment. I am still trying to figure out how you
pulled that off, Dave.
** 1 Respondent, infuriated by SPAM, says that he keeps a step or two ahead
of the SPAMMERS by hiding behind a wide variety of addresses.
And finally,
* 1 smarty-boots Respondent suggested that "perhaps your friends' eyesight
is fading, so your e-Mail volume is down."
Once again, thank you for your participation. Mankind will be all the better
for your having contributed your valuable time to this effort.
And, as for the 60 people who didn't respond, we know who you are...
Cheers and cjeers,
LDD