Phlog

Formula One is gonna be a hell of a silly season!
Notes by Lewis Deemer

F1-Live.Com has announced the arrival of the official start date for the Grand Prix Racing Silly Season. In their report of developments on the F1 scene for 2010, they include the following definitive rumors: In no uncertain terms our special sources declare that Fernando Alonso has a contract with Ferrari, for either Kimi's seat or Massa's seat or a third seat. Most intriguingly, one highly placed un-named, but completely reliable in most cases source says that Alonso will be Kimi's co-driver in the F-61-2, the exciting due-posti concept under top-secret development in Maranello. Flavio Briatore has ripped up Alonso's contract with Renault. Several people have second cousins who know some people in the know who know people who actually watched him do it. One says Flavio swallowed the pieces. Nelson Piquet, Jr., in a fit of pique, has sworn that not only did Flavio order him to ram his car into a wall at Singapore last season, he was under strict orders not to drive well in any race in 2009. "Flavio told me not to show Alonso up," Piquet said. "He took me out behind the Renault motor home and told me, 'Son, you know Fernando is slowing up in his old age.' I mean, like Alonso's what 29, right? 'Stay at the back of the pack,' he said. 'It won't look good if a kid like you runs away from the tired old 2-time World Champion.' So I dogged it all season, and looked like a fool who couldn't get out of his own way. Dad was embarrassed, knowing how really fast I can be, and I couldn't tell him what was going on. What thanks do I get? They fire me? Well, I have some movies of Flavio you might want to see..."

With the loss of BMW...
- the startling mass commission of hari kari by the mortified, perennial loser Toyota team just before qualifying at Monza...
- the banning of the Renault team after the FIA hearings on Piquet-gate prove that Nelsinho put sugar in the gas tank of Alonso's car on more than one occasion in the 2009 season...
- the mutiny among Hindu members of the Force India pit crew on discovering that the cars use many parts made from pigs...
- the revelation that Frank Williams has been faking his paralysis for years and plans to drive the No. 1 car for the team in 2010...
- the shock of learning that the Ferrari pit crew actually knows not one word to either part of the Italian national anthem and has been lip-sincing for years...
- the controversy that will result with the announcement that Schumi secretly bought FIAT from the Agnelli family years ago and, as a result, personally owns General Motors and now plans to rebadge Ferrari road cars as Pontiac Aztek models, saying "I always have loved that car and think that it got, wie sagen das?, ach, ja, what you Americans call a "bad wrap," hah hah, my English gets besser now that I am a Detroit person, nicht war?"...
- the decision to let everybody follow the same wa-aa-aa-y-off-the-racing-line scheme that Kimi used to drive around the leaders at the start at Spa...
- and the ruling by a high court in England tthat certifies Bernie Ecclestone a dangerous lunatic... the 2010 Grand Prix season will be thrown into chaos.

Insiders regard this as simply business as usual.